Coaches hear it all the time (including on this site): 

“You’re a critical role model for your players, especially the teens.” 

“Be a positive role model – kids follow what you do, not what you say.”

“Model the behavior you want to see in your athletes.” 

And it’s all true – and really important.  But especially with differently wired kids, I suggest that you take it a step further. 

These kids need not only role modeling but role playing.  And I don’t mean walking through practice drills (although they need that too).

I mean showing them -- and then having them act out -- better options for how to handle a tough situation or respond to criticism or share space with a teammate, anything with which they’re struggling.

When these kids don’t live up to your rules or expectations, the natural reaction is to tell them (often loudly) what they did wrong, maybe make them run some laps or sit out a scrimmage. The problem with that approach, in addition to the demoralizing effect and harm to your relationship, is that they still lack the skills to do better the next time.

All kids want to have a good day.  If they could do better they would.  And most will, when you give them the tools and demonstrate how to use them.  Here’s an example: 

 Scenario A

You’re explaining a new drill to your 10-U soccer team, and one player is making a tower of sticks instead of watching the demonstration.  (Time to get them all up and walking through the drill themselves, but that’s a topic for another post.) 

You call his name and tell him to pay attention.  He says he is.  Five minutes later you start running the drill, and the kid has no idea what to do. 

You yell at him for never listening and make the whole team run laps – you figure peer pressure will get the kid’s attention.  He snaps back and says the drill is stupid anyway.  He jogs a little with the team but bails after the first lap.  You yell at him again and tell him he won’t play this weekend if he isn’t more respectful. 

He’s quiet and disengaged for the rest of practice, lurking at the back of the line, avoiding his irritated teammates.  After practice, you lecture him about how his behavior and attitude are hurting his play and his teammates.  You tell him you meant what you said about benching him. He hangs his head and fights back tears.  

He leaves at the end of practice vowing to “be better”.  You leave feeling crummy too.  Two days later, it happens again.

Scenario B

You’re explaining a new drill to your 10-U soccer team, and one player is building a tower of sticks instead of watching the demonstration. 

You call his name and tell him to pay attention.  He says he is.  Five minutes later you start running the drill, and the kid has no idea what to do. 

You take him aside, out of earshot of the team, and ask in an unperturbed tone if he didn’t understand the directions or if he didn’t hear them.  He looks at his cleats and says both.  You ask him why.  He says he gets distracted with long talking and can’t remember much. 

Here’s the opportunity. 

You tell him you’d like to help with strategies for what to do if he doesn’t hear or understand the directions.  He says no thanks and looks back at his feet.  You persist (still with the unperturbed tone). 

You offer a few suggestions and ask if they might help: 

1.  Raise your hand and ask for clarification.

2.  Ask a buddy for help after the coach is finished talking.

3.  Go at the back of the line and watch how others do the drill first. 

He loosens up a bit with your even tone and starts to engage.  He says he’s embarrassed to raise his hand (and afraid you’ll get mad) and doesn’t want to ask a teammate.  But he’d be okay with asking the assistant coach on the sideline.  And going at the end of the line sounds like a good idea. 

Then you role play.  This is really important.  It’s what makes it stick in his brain, where he can find it the next time. 

First, you show him how. 

He gets to be the coach, telling you about the next drill.  You pretend to be a kid (kindly) thinking to yourself, gosh I got off track and have no idea what to do.  Then he gets to be the assistant coach while you model appropriate language for asking for help.

Then you flip roles and let him practice being himself, right then, when there’s no pressure and nothing at stake, and using that same language that you just modeled.

Does this take more time than yelling and doling out punishments?  Absolutely.  Is it guaranteed to work the first time?  Or even the second?  Of course not. 

But each time you pause, connect, model and let your athletes practice a better way, you’re advancing both your coaching relationship and your athletes’ development.  

And with patience you’ll see the results – improved communication, effort and performance and, most important, less frustration and more connection for you and your athletes.